


Atlas, not Theseus

by Nikashuk



Series: Healing is a slow but steady process [1]
Category: Dream SMP - Fandom, Minecraft (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Baby's First Fanfic, Depressed TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Don't get me wrong! There's a little bit in there! But it is mostly angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), Hurt/Comfort, I say hurt/comfort to lull you into a false sense of security, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Technoblade (Video Blogging RPF), Suicidal Thoughts, Suicidal TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF), TommyInnit Needs a Hug (Video Blogging RPF)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-12 16:21:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29263440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nikashuk/pseuds/Nikashuk
Summary: Tommy shoves the blade into his grip with shaking, trembling hands. "Hurt me. Kill me, Technoblade." he demands. This time, his voice doesn't waver.Technoblade feels his blood run cold.Or,Techno finds Tommy standing a bit too close to the edge. He's not sure he likes the parallel.
Relationships: Technoblade & TommyInnit (Video Blogging RPF)
Series: Healing is a slow but steady process [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2184384
Comments: 17
Kudos: 481





	Atlas, not Theseus

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I've never written fanfiction before, but since this fandom and this community actively encourages participation, I thought I'd be a contributer instead of a consumer for once.
> 
> I lay awake at night thinking of scenarios or dialogue I'd like to see in the SMP, so I started writing it down. I mainly just want Tommy to vent and to tell people about the pain he's feeling. I don't tread into detail, but there's a good enough amount. I know I'm a bit late to the party, so I tried making it accurate to recent events the best I could as compensation.
> 
> I hope you enjoy reading, I heavily encourage leaving a comment if you do! I don't expect this to get a lot of traction, so any and all responses are valued. I've tried my best to piece this mess together into something coherent.
> 
> Anyways, enough rambling, enjoy reading!

Technoblade wakes up early in the morning, sweat clinging to his skin. He hadn't had a nightmare, not to his recollection, but he wakes up sticky anyways. He groans as he rolls out of bed, the cold air hitting his skin making him shiver ever so slightly. There's this weird feeling at the pit of his stomach. He figures he's just hungry, so he dresses himself and prepares a breakfast for one.

Once he's eaten however, and enough time has gone by for the food to settle, the feeling had still not gone away. Now that he's eaten, he'll have to deduce his true feelings. He groans again, a low rumble resonating throughout his chest. Right then, it's not hunger. It's not nausea either, since he had the feeling before eating breakfast, and he hadn't eaten anything out of the ordinary the day before. Then there was the abrupt awakening and the sweat that he couldn't really explain. The only logical explanation he could come with was that it was just plain old regular unease, but he can't think of a single reason to be feeling it.

Maybe if he clears his head a little, something will come to him. So he grabs his winter gear, and his sword for good measure. One can never be too prepared. He heads outside to the stable to greet his grazing horse. He'd recently moved Carl back to the stable, having deemed it safe enough. Carl acknowledges his presence with a huff in soft greeting. Techno strokes Carl's side with a gloved hand, feeding him a carrot. He nibbles on it happily.

Once the carrot is all eaten up, Technoblade places the pad on the horses back, then secures the saddle. He places the bit in Carl's mouth, and then slowly guides him out of the pen. He hadn't strapped on his diamond horse armor, convinced he was only taking a short ride to clear his head. When they're a good few steps away, he swiftly mounts the horse with practiced ease.

He taps his heels on Carl's sides softly, urging him into a moderate walk. He had originally led his horse west, towards the distant tree line, but something makes him turn. He looks east, and the feeling of unease rises again.

Something is beckoning him in that direction, but the only thing that way is L'manberg, or, well, what used to be L'manberg, he supposed. He doesn't really want to go there, had no business to. He moved his hound army ages ago, doesn't care about his old base, or whatever materials and items still remain there. He'd taken anything of value, anyway.

But still, whenever he glances east, the unease twists in his stomach. Technoblade is not one to dispute the use of one's gut feeling, nor their intuitions. So uncertain, and maybe a little confused, he tugs at the reigns softly, and begins riding Carl towards the safest and fastest route to L'manberg he knows of.

When he arrives, a good while later, after having tied Carl to a fence post he deemed safe enough, he goes the rest of the way on foot. He's not sure what he's looking for, but thinks he'll know when he finds it. And so he walks where his feet lead him, which, right now, is down the prime path. He walks along the wooden path until he's stood a good distance away from the great crater he helped make. The feeling is more prominent here, but he still feels like he hasn't gotten to the source of it yet, so he walks on. 

He's about to.

He spots a messy, blond mop of hair down by the edge of the crater, sitting silently, legs dangling in the air with no real rhythm to his kicks. His stomach rolls violently at the sight, the unease spreading. His legs move before he can think better of it.

"What're you doing so close to the edge, Theseus?" Techno questions, but Tommy doesn't respond. Techno would have expected some witty remark, one of his signature 'fuck you's or the trademarked 'bitch', but no noise comes from his mouth. All he does is shift his weight, inching slightly closer to the massive crater below his feet.

Techno's stomach lurches ever so slightly, the ever growing sense of unease filling his senses once more. "Seriously, Tommy, you're quite literally living life on the edge right now." Techno jokes, but it comes out more concerned than he would have liked. It falls on deaf ears, though. There's no reply, not even a scoff, but Tommy scoots away from the edge, standing abruptly and whipping around suddenly.

He meets his gaze, eyes so, so grey, nothing like the vibrant blue they used to be. He looks exhausted. Cheeks still gaunt from the malnourishment he suffered only weeks prior to this whole ordeal, long blonde hair dirty, greasy and matted, soot and dirt still prominent. His charred, stained and ripped up shirt swings softly in the cold wind, and Techno wonders how he isn't shivering. He himself, even though he’s not cold himself, can feel the cold air through his warm cloak.

He carries himself with an exhaustion Technoblade has never seen him use before, always hidden behind crude jokes and comments and loud, boisterous laughter. There are dark, purple bags under his eyes, making him look like he hasn’t slept in days. How is he just now noticing how tired this poor kid is?

If he hadn't found him in his basement that one time, he wonders if he would have recognized him in the first place. "What do you want, Technoblade." he spits out, voice devoid of any emotion, lacking the venom he would normally expect the words to be accompanied with.

"Nothin' really," he starts, because it was true. He hadn't really planned on running into Tommy, or walking in on whatever this was. It seemed to be enough for Tommy, though, because he turns around just as quickly as he'd done before, arms coming up to hug himself. "Then leave me alone." he says with feigned disinterest, but it comes out pained, if anything.

Techno blinks. The feeling in his stomach hasn't subsided in the slightest. In fact, the closer he got to Tommy, and the more time he stood there, the worse it got. It must've been Tommy who drew him here then. Tommy, who was acting odd, quiet, even. Not loud. Not boisterous. Not swearing nor laughing nor anything else that is regular Tommyinnit.

When Techno doesn't move, Tommy resolves to do something about it.

"Don't you have a nation or a government to be destroying somewhere?" he quips. Techno rolls his eyes. "Low blow." he responds. It seems to do something for Tommy, because his closed off attitude is gone, replaced by something akin to anger. He whips back around. "What, am I wrong? Or are there no more things left for you to ruin? Well bravo, Technoblade, to a job well done." he says, venom lacing his words. _‘There it is’_ he thinks, almost glad at the familiarity, if it weren’t for the growing sense of annoyance he’s beginning to feel.

Technoblade knows he's just taunting him at this point, and that he shouldn't rise to the bait, but he can't help himself.

"Governments are corrupt. Power corrupts. I tried to tell you, all of you, multiple times. It's not my fault you're too dumb to realize it." he bites back. 

"Oh, fuck off with your self-proclaimed moral superiority! Your values are shot, Technoblade. You helped us in the revolution, later claiming ignorance and saying you didn't know we would form another government. Of course we would! That was the whole point! If you really didn't know, then you're not as smart as everyone else thinks. And that bullshit excuse of 'oh, but I was peer pressured', when you killed Tubbo, what the fuck is wrong with you!? At least have the decency not to lie and tell the truth! You wanted to kill Tubbo, reveled in it, even, and even more so in the onslaught that followed. But no, you're not above lying, are you? Because when we were together, I asked you what you would do to L'manberg, but you always brushed it off. Then afterwards you'd say you've been absolutely transparent. Sure, yeah, if you count the last minute confession." he scoffs bitterly.

"During that fiasco, at the community house, you said you would've 'fought them all' for me. Did you honestly expect me to believe that? You said it yourself, we were just 'business partners', weren't we? Why would you bother for a useless guy like me?" he questions, look accusatory.

Techno is at a loss for words, trying to let everything sink in. He's struggling to keep up with Tommy's quick-paced speech, words messy. He feels like he's supposed to respond to that last part, but he can't bring himself to form a response. Luckily for him though, he doesn't have to, because Tommy's already moved on. 

"And what about that favor, huh? Would you have handed me over, if he had asked you to? If he had cashed it in? I'll answer for you. You would have. What, with your 'absolute reciprocity', and all." he says in a mocking tone, lowering his voice in an attempt to impersonate Technoblade. A very bad attempt. "Shame on me though, I should have known better. I don't get nice things. That's common knowledge by now." he adds.

Techno was nearly as relieved as he was annoyed at the outburst, because that part of Tommy he knew, at least, but he simmered down as quickly as he'd gotten riled up. The speed at which he switches between his emotions and tone would be admirable, maybe even impressive, if it wasn't so concerning.

There were so many things Technoblade wanted to say at that moment. Defend himself against Tommy's claims, mostly, but he found himself unable to pick out one point amongst the word vomit that was Tommy's outburst. And aside from that, he felt like this really wasn't the time to argue with him, in the state that he was. Before he even had the time to piece together a sentence, Tommy spoke again.

"Still, I'm grateful for all you did for me. You didn't have to house me, feed me, put a roof over my head or give me weapons or armor or potions. I didn't deserve any of that, especially as we weren't exactly on good terms at the time. I could never repay you." he says, voice stained and quiet.

And just like that, all the anger from his previous words was gone just as quickly as it had appeared. The speed with which the switch was made worried Techno. His look is blank as his mind desperately tries to make sense of this absurd situation, making an effort to submit every single oddity he can spot to memory.

"I'm sorry for betraying you again. Deep down I knew you'd always circle back to destroying L'manberg, but I'd hoped that maybe somehow you'd resigned that hope. I thought I'd gotten over L'manberg. That I didn't need it anymore, so I wouldn't care if it got blown up for the third time. But standing there, surrounded by all these people I used to consider friends, telling my best friend that I cared more for some stupid music disks more than him, I realised something I hadn't been willing to admit to myself. I've been ignoring the feeling since the second I started feeling it." he says, and Techno has a feeling he's not going to elaborate on that last part.

"I didn't want to pick between you and L'manberg, Techno. I guess you could call it a conflict of interest. And you're right, it's caused me so much pain, but I couldn't destroy it even if I wanted to. It's all I had left, left of-" Tommy cuts himself off at that, the unspoken words dying in his throat, but Techno can guess. He continues, as if he’d never interrupted himself in the first place.

"It's all I've ever known. Despite everything that happened, it was still my home. I can't blame Tubbo from succumbing to the pressure of being president of that hellhole. He never asked for it in the first place, it was just a heavy burden dropped onto his shoulders. Even with all of us together, we could barely fend off Dream, so how could I expect him not to crumble to his every demand? He's a pacifist, always has been despite all of the fights he's been in. He did what he thought would keep the people he was responsible for safe. He was right anyway, I was and always have been a liability. Brash and selfish and useless for anything but a big mouth."

"Maybe Wilbur was right. Maybe it deserved to be destroyed. Maybe we should have never made another government or more homes on that cursed soil. But it was all we knew how to do. The only way we could think of keeping ourselves safe from him." The name goes unspoken, but again, Techno can guess who he was referring to.

"We should've known better. Hope is overrated anyway." Tommy finished off, a defeated sigh escaping his lips. It feels like he's left more things left unsaid than things he's admitted to, and it worries Techno. This, all of this, is so unlike Tommy. Tommy doesn't stand this close to edges, because even if he's not always careful, he's not that stupid.

Tommy isn't this quiet, nor this resigned. Tommy doesn't talk about his thoughts, or his feelings for that matter. Technoblade is struggling to compare the Tommy in his mind and memories to the one that is standing before him now. Before he even has a chance to think of comparisons, however, Tommy does something to throw him off again.

"I'm sorry for any inconvenience I've caused you. I'm sorry I betrayed you, and I'm sorry for any other type of harm I've done.” he says, eyes downcast, staring at his softly shuffling feet. “I'm sorry if my actions hurt you. I know you still felt betrayed, after the war. Even if I don't agree with you, I never wanted to make you upset, Techno." he says.

Technoblade pauses and falters. Tommy just apologized. For something that was barely even his fault, a joint effort at best. He wonders what kind of backwards reality they must have ended up in, because Tommyinnit didn't apologize for things, even things that were his fault. Techno gapes at him, at a loss for words. It's near impossible for him to take the words being said to him in with his racing thoughts.

He can feel a headache coming on. He clutches at the bridge of his nose and groans softly in annoyance. He opens his eyes and meets Tommy's gaze. He's tenser than he was a few second ago, and Techno sees something flash in his eyes for a second before it's gone again.

Then Tommy does something to confuse him even more, if that were even possible at this point.

"Whatever, bitch. Just go away." he grumbles, all bristles and thorns again, but there’s no malice in his words. Technoblade sputters. None of this is helping his growing headache.

Techno resists the urge to groan, ending up with a sharp sigh instead. "Tommy," he says sternly, looking at Tommy as his face loses all previous bravado. Something flashes in his eyes, then something else, and another thing, faster than Techno can register or recognize it. Mouth slightly agape, Tommy's eyes widen ever so slightly. Techno quirks his eyebrow at the display, but decides to dismiss it for the time being. He shakes his head momentarily and takes a step forward. Tommy takes a step back, his left foot standing on air.

His foot slips and his balance tips. Techno lurches forwards to grab his arm, but doesn't miss the flinch it draws from his sudden movement. He tenses up at the contact, struggling against Technoblade's hold. He tries to push him off of him, but only manages to tip both of them nearer to the edge of the crater. He seems to regret it, though, because now he's holding onto Techno like he's a lifeline.

Technoblade takes a large step backwards and yanks him back with him, instantly letting go when the step is made. Tommy struggles to regain his footing for a second, before ultimately failing and roughly falling to his knees. Techno looks down at him with raised eyebrows, exasperated. "The edge, Tommy! What, now you've got amnesia too?" he shouts, agitation bleeding through his words, the adrenaline he'd gotten from the close encounter they'd just had making his anxiety spike.

Much to Techno's surprise though, he again receives no insults or swears thrown his way. No, instead Tommy starts to tremble, his hands shaking as he brings them up to his chest, palms flat against it, as if feeling for something. It doesn't seem to be there though, because the shaky hands are moved down to his lap instead. His breathing is ragged, sucked in at random intervals.

Techno's brows furrow. He's breathing too fast. "Tommy," he tries, but it elicits no response from the boy below him. "Tommy," he tries again, more softly this time, he hopes. Again, nothing. He sighs, more from anxiety than anything else, and crouches in front of him. When the breathing only picks up, with no further acknowledgement from Tommy, Techno opts for the only thing he can think of. He leans over, trying to get into his peripheral, and slowly reaches out a hand to place onto his shoulder. Tommy jumps at the contact, a frightened cry slipping from his lips. 

Techno's brows shoot up as he retracts his hand, holding it up in an attempt to appear non-threatening. "It's okay, I- didn't mean to spook you." he says. Tommy just stares at him, arm held in front of him, legs sprawled out underneath him, with widened eyes and a frightened look. The position looked defensive, but not in an aggressive way, more like a scared animal frozen in place, too afraid to move in order not to agitate a predator. This, at least, Technoblade recognizes. It does nothing to ease his worries or concerns, however,because he doesn't recognize it from Tommy. "I'm not going to hurt you." he says as gently as he can manage. His mind nearly laughed at the hypocrisy of it all. 

He doesn't look convinced, but it seems to snap him out of his trance. He stands up slowly, Techno following his lead shortly after. He didn't want to move too quick again. Didn't want to appear threatening. That dark look takes over his face again. "Maybe you should." Tommy mumbles. 

Technoblade sputters, any words or reaffirmations dying in his throat. He stands there, mouth agape, trying to recollect himself. "I- you- what?" he says, incredulous. At this point there is nothing left of Technoblade's usual demeanor. There's no more stoicism, or feigned disinterest. Here he stands, honest and concerned and confused.

For the umpteenth time that morning, Tommy subverts expectations by not backing down in the slightest. He stares at Techno with an intensity he can barely match himself. "You heard me." he says, scared mien from before gone, now looking angry.

"Tommy, I don't..." he starts off, but he doesn't know what to say. "You don't what? Don't want to bother? Too much effort for you, oh great Technoblade?" Tommy taunts. "That's not what I..." he starts, but trails off as he once again cannot find the words.

Tommy moves in a blur, and before Techno can register it, he feels his sword being pulled from its sheath. Shit, that was the only weapon he brought, now he has no possible proper way of defending himself. Instead of aiming or swinging for him, however, Tommy holds the blade in one hand and uses the other to grab Techno's hand roughly.

Tommy shoves the blade into his grip with shaking, trembling hands. "Hurt me. Kill me, Technoblade." he demands. This time, his voice doesn't waver.

Technoblade feels his blood run cold. _'What happened to him?'_ he thinks.

When he makes no move to comply with the demand, Tommy growls. "Just do it!" he yells, desperately, and Techno has the gall to look terrified. Mouth agape, eyebrows furrowed together. If Tommy had half the mind, he would've felt triumphant at that. He would have, in the past, he’s sure. Would've boasted about it to everyone he'd ever met. Now though? All it seems to make him feel is a gut wrenching sense of despair. 

Techno struggles to wring his hands out of his grip, surprised at the sudden display of strength, before ultimately succeeding with his far superior strength. After all the time that has passed since his return from exile, Tommy had still barely regained any of his previous weight or strength, it seems, most likely due to lack of training. 

The sword clatter to the floor loudly, and Tommy flinches besides himself. He shakes his head to clear the images of another sword, sparkling diamond, clattering to the floor in a similar fashion, months ago.

He regains his senses and takes a quick step forward, grabbing Techno by the shoulders and pulling him forwards. He stumbles and grabs Tommy by his upper arms to keep himself from tripping. They're at a standoff, neither daring to make a move. Techno's eyes look glassy, but Tommy doesn't notice, just grips at Techno's shoulders, with as much strength as he can muster.

"Come on! Just do it! How hard could it possibly be? Especially for you, blood God! Huh? Am I wrong? Huh, Blade? What was it you said, we were never friends? I only used you as a weapon? Well, you are! So be one! Just kill me!" Tommy shouts, but it's not really Tommy. His words are loud and boisterous, but it lacks any semblance of the normal tone of his usual banter. Technoblade would nearly be intimidated at the venom lacing his words, had it not been for the tears violently streaming down his cheeks, or the wobble of his lower lip, or the fact his voice broke pathetically at the last part. Techno blinks again, at a loss for words.

He removes his hands from Techno's shoulders to instead shove them roughly against his chest. Techno takes a step back, steadying himself. Tommy is at him again in an instant, hands shoving again, then twisting into the soft fabric of his cloak, grabbing handfuls and roughly yanking him forward by the edges. He grits his teeth with ragged, heavy breaths. His head is hung low, shoulder tensed, brought up to his ears. His fragile form shakes and trembles violently.

Then, in a matter of milliseconds, all the anger seems to flow out of him, and all that's left is complete and utter exhaustion. Tommy's head falls forwards softly and crashes into Techno's chest. His entire posture slumps as he curls in on himself, but the hands clutching his cloak only tighten their grip. "Please..." he croaks out, voice rough and heavy. "Please just kill me..." he pleads. "I can't do this anymore...I can't go on like this..." he murmurs, voice breaking and barely audible as he talks into Techno's chest.

Tommy's legs buckle under his own weight, exhaustion rendering them next to useless. Techno shoots forward to support him. Tommy slumps against Techno, but manages to move his flailing limbs around Techno's shoulders, in something that looks and feels an awful lot like a hug. Techno feels himself returning it.

He struggles to hold Tommy up, light as he is. so he tightens his grip and slowly sinks them to their knees, bringing Tommy down with him. Tommy grips him tighter, holding on for dear life, as if afraid of what would happen if he let go.

Techno leans his head against Tommy, hand on his neck holding his head in place, the other on his back starting to rub soothing circles on his shoulder blades in the hopes it would offer even a little comfort or conciliation. Tommy's body shakes as another sob wrecks him, gasping, shuddering breaths and pathetic whimpers following it. Tommy positively melts into his embrace, not making a single move to fight it. Another thing to be concerned about.

Technoblade has never been good at comfort. He always had been and always would be a warrior. Comfort was never one of the requirements for fighting, so he never bothered to develop the skill. Now, however, sitting on the cold stone with a sobbing teenager in his arms, he hoped he had bothered to learn it.

While Techno is preoccupied with his own thoughts, he nearly misses the shaky inhale Tommy takes, a sign he's about to speak.

"I'm so scared Techno... I don't want to die, I just want it all to end..." he hiccups. "I'm so tired of fighting, but I'm scared of what will happen if I'm not around to stop it. I've been pushed into this hero slot by everyone around me, but I never asked for it! I'm just a kid!" he sobs, voice breaking, simultaneously breaking Technoblade's heart. He takes in another gasping breath, not helping him calm down at all. He continues regardless, words spilling from his lips like water from a dam that finally broke.

"Dream's in prison, and it's supposed to be inescapable, but everyone still underestimates him. When we defeated him I was so deluded from fear and adrenaline I didn't stop to think that none of it made sense. Why would he just give up like that? He's a fighter, and a skilled one at that. I mean he even beat you, Techno. Why didn't he fight? Why did he give up so easily? The only explanation I can think of is that somehow, even this was part of his great master plan. When we were up on the grid, during doomsday, he said our story was far from over. I just want it to be over..." he trails off.

Techno runs his thumb across the bare skin of Tommy's neck, hoping it to be a calming gesture. He speaks again. "I'm afraid he'll get out and hurt me again. I'm afraid he's going to kill Tubbo, just like he said he would. He's always scheming, always planning his steps ahead, and I can never hope to catch up. I can't outsmart him. I thought I had, once, maybe even multiple times, but now I can't help but think it was all to his design. All according to his plan." he says with shuddering breaths. Then, he's silent for a while, gathering his thoughts most likely.

"He hurt me, Techno." he sobs again, shoulders shaking. "He'd watch as I mined for scraps of iron to make into tools and armor, and then when he visited me next, he'd dig a hole and order me to throw it all in. If I refused, or started being difficult, he'd hit me, more often with his axe than with his hands. I remember so, so clearly, the time he said 'How about you get in the hole, Tommy'. And it was all so fucking confusing. Threatening to kill me and then when I tried to off myself he says 'It's not your time to die yet, Tommy'." he says, breathing shallow. It was a confession with enough weight to it to make even Technoblade himself crumble. But even with its immense weight, he still felt like there were things he was leaving out, and that thought terrified him to no end.

Tommy makes a sound indicating he's about to talk again, completely glossing over his confession of being suicidal. But Technoblade remembers. He will remember the way he said it, and if not that, then he will remember the anger it made him feel.

"He messed with my head, man. Even now this little voice that sounds ominously like him tries to convince me that all the lies he told were true. Even now I still believe some of it. He was right when he said nobody cares, for starters, or that I'm the root of all problems on this server. He'd say he was my friend, and whenever I told him I hated him he'd dismiss it, go 'No you don't, Tommy'. He'd try to convince me he was the only one who cared, because he was the only one who visited, but then he'd watch as I cut off my bridge in a fit of uncertain frustration and not make a move to stop me, knowing I was cutting myself off from everyone.”

“I organized a beach party once, hoping at least someone would show up, hoping anyone would show up, so it wouldn’t just be me and him for once. Ghostbur was supposed to hand out the invites, but he sabotaged the entire thing. He told Ghostbur he'd take care of it, so naturally no one showed up, reinforcing the belief he was trying to instill that nobody cared. He broke the portal that people did know of, saying it was so people could get to the site faster. He did it again with the new one we made, after he blew Logstedshire to bits. Said I wasn't allowed visitors anymore or visit the Nether until I knew how to behave and listen. I was so tired I towered up and I-" he chokes on the next part of his sentence, hesitating. 

He takes a shallow breath in and a shaky breath out. "I woke up drowning, often. I still don't know what that was about. Maybe it was my subconscious, trying to do the thing I was too scared and cowardly to do when I was awake... I tried to- when I towered up I was so desperate and lonely and tired and-I was going to jump off. I would've done it, if the high altitude didn't give me the few seconds of clarity I needed. I still doubted his friendship and his words or his intentions, but I realized he was there to watch me. It was enough to lull me back down and trudge through the harsh snow to get to you." he finishes, apparently having spoken enough with nothing left to say.

Technoblade's worry makes way for anger, and then for shame and guilt. How had he been so stupid? How had he not noticed the changes in mannerisms, or in appearance for that matter. How had he not seen this hurt? Why had he sided with this kid’s abuser, right in front of him, no less, the second he rediscovered his own values?

Even in their short lived time as housemates, he had never seemed this bad. He acted as he usually did, all thorns and bristles, loud swears and hyperactivity. He had never spoken badly of Dream during their time together. Never flinched or panicked, just as loud as he'd always been. If this was what he'd been dealing with all that time, how had he hidden it so well? Tommy is notorious for being a bad liar, how could he hide hours upon hours on end of manipulation and abuse? How could he hide that conditioning? It scared Technoblade, and that was a fear in and of itself. There had only been one time, his mind supplies him with the memory of the time he'd told Tommy to give him his armor. He remembers how he paused in his joking, completely silent and staring. He hadn't thought much of it back then, brushed it off as Tommy just being weird and annoying. But now? He realizes how big of a red flag that had been. 

_'Say something'_ Technoblade's mind tells him. The cogs in his head start turning, treating this issue like it's a puzzle that needs solving. He doesn't think addressing the elephant in the room would do them any good, so he shouldn't mention any of the confessions, afraid it'll startle Tommy. He can't risk scaring him off, so he'll opt for a subtle distraction instead.

"I'm glad you did, Tommy." he says, and finds himself meaning it. He feels Tommy shift in his hold, squirming around and leaning back. Techno takes it as his cue to let go, quietly watching and surveilling a teary Tommy who leans back to look him in the eyes. "...What?" he asks, confusion visible on his face.

"I'm glad you came to me, even if the timing couldn't have been worse." Techno supplies. "I think if I hadn't only just come back from a failed execution attempt, with nothing more than iron armor and a pickaxe, I wouldn't have been so hellbent on getting revenge. Perhaps then things would've gone differently. Maybe then I would've noticed something was amiss." The guilty feeling that his own words awakened in him twist angrily.

"I'm not trying to pin this on them. I was angry, because I'd convinced myself I was retired. Blamed them for holding onto grudges and past grievances. I can't really blame them for wanting to seek justice though, even if I don't agree with it." he admits, more to himself than to Tommy, who has taken to wearing an unreadable expression.

"Point is..." Techno hesitates for a moment before deciding, screw it, if Tommyinnit can apologize for his mistakes, then so can Technoblade. "I'm sorry. Not so much for what I did to L'manberg, but more for the hurt it caused you. Believe it or not, that wasn't my intention. I was too blinded by my own sense of justice to recognize there were better ways to go about my goals." he admits, not a single word lied.

Tommy blinks at him for a moment, before responding. "Thank you." he says. "For telling me that, and for listening, and-" _not killing me_. The last bit goes unsaid. Techno hums in acknowledgement.

A comfortable silence settles between them for a while, before Tommy breaks it. "Why are you being so nice to me?" he questioned with an incredulous look on his face. "It's basic human decency, Tommy." Technoblade replies gruffly. Basic human decency not to leave a person alone when they've just admitted to being suicidal, to being abused. Basic human decency not to kick someone when they're down. Basic human decency to treat a child, who's been through so much, with the kindness they deserve.

As if reading his mind, Tommy argues. "I don't deserve it..." he mumbles. "Not after everything I've done." Techno sighs. Nothing he says to Tommy will convince him otherwise at the moment so he doesn't waste his breath. "We can sit here and discuss past grievances all day, but we've got to get going." he says, standing up, then offering his hands to Tommy, who looks up at him confusedly for a moment before taking the invitation to stand. He stumbles a little, but Techno holds him up. "Get going? Go where?" he questions. "Well, I'd prefer making it home before it gets dark. The tundra is cold enough as it is." he replies.

Tommy sputters audibly. "I- you- what?" is all he manages. Techno quirks an eyebrow. "Did you think I was going to leave you here?" he asks. Tommy almost looks offended. "Wha- Yes! Why wouldn't you?" he questions. Technoblade only holds out a hand, patiently keeping it in front of Tommy as he hesitates. After what feels like hours standing in silence, he takes the offered hand.

"What's the catch." he grumbles, eyes downcast. "There is none." Techno huffs. "Bullshit." Tommy responds. "I mean it. There's no catch." he says, trying to sound persuasive. "Alright." Tommy says, disbelieving. "Terms, then." Technoblade pauses. He has to choose his words carefully, doesn't know what could set Tommy off. Knowing him, Techno knows this outburst of him was a rare one. Tommyinnit does not share his concerns or his fears with anyone, because he is a big man and not a pussy, thank you very much. He can't say 'to not eat my gapples, to not steal my things, to not be annoying or loud', because Tommy will take it to heart.

Tommy's childishness is something Techno longs for at this moment, for just a sliver of his old self to resurface, but he knows that with it will come behavior that won’t mix well with his trauma. Tommy is childish, and like a child, he will do things to see what people's boundaries are, he recognizes that now. Technoblade can't risk naming terms, not only because he truly doesn't mean for there to be any, but because he's scared of what would happen if he did. He wants this to be unconditional, because what kind of person would turn away a 16 year old traumatized boy?

"There aren't any terms either." is what he ends up with. It in no way convinces Tommy, but at least it was a safe answer. His suspicions are confirmed when Tommy looks away again without a word, too tired to come up with an insult or to spark an argument. Again, at this moment, Techno wishes he would. Anything but this hollow child in front of him, that has been torn down and reduced to null by the world he lives in. "Whatever..." Tommy mumbles softly, but he doesn't let go of his hand.

"I just want you to be safe, Tommy." Techno says. He knows that wasn't the right thing to say. It invites the argument too easily. And even if it didn't, it's hypocritical. Technoblade, who told him to die like a hero. Technoblade, who blew up his home not once, but twice. Technoblade, whose name isn't synonymous with 'safe' in the slightest. 

Tommy, however, subverts expectations once again, by keeping his mouth firmly shut, gazing off into the distance. "Alright." he says after a while. Because even after everything, despite the nagging voice at the back of his head, Tommy wants to be able to trust someone again. Wants to laugh and swear and joke again. He wants to feel safe again. And even if it's temporary, which he knows it is, knows it won't last, Technoblade meant safe, once. A fickle kind, but safe nonetheless.

Maybe it can be again.

So he lets Techno pull him along, walking until they reach a familiar horse. Tommy cooperates as Techno hauls him up the horses back, before mounting Carl himself. He struggles to keep his eyes open as Techno guides the horse across the uneven terrain. He fails, ultimately, eyes slipping shut.

A weight at Techno's upper back has him turning his head to glance behind him to find Tommy dozing off. He turns back around with a content huff, and if the edges of his mouth curl up a little, well, no one has to know.

When Techno mulls over the event of the morning, comparing it to the Greek myth he's thrown around so carelessly and thrust upon Tommy's shoulders, he has an epiphany.

Tommy is not Theseus, however much the parallels align, Technoblade concedes. Tommy is Atlas, made to carry the weight of the sky on his shoulders, a weight far heavier than the world alone, as misconception often paints the myth. But if Technoblade can sit here, with Tommy softly dreaming against his back, then maybe he can help carry that weight.


End file.
